Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Moved out XD

Now I can stop being a burden in my father's life.

I love the new place

It's in Hidden Lake like 2 min from my dad's.

I'm even more happy now.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Food for Thoughts ( compliments of dp)

Assuming one day you're diagnosed with cancer. You're stricken with fear and fatalism. Your optimistic doctor schedules you chemotherapy and surgery for the next coming weeks.

You go home and pray for god to heal you.

Next couple months roll about and low and behold, your tumor is gone and you were miraculously healed of the cancer.

Now was it medical science, your own immune system, or god that healed you?

Coincidentally there is a level of ambiguity to every miracle. There's usually a logical reason within our physical reality of why miracles happen, not just god.

A situation where only god could have taken action is if god healed amputees.

Science can't do that, only the infallible power of god could regenerate bone and tissue. Which he doesn't.

So there's your irrefutable evidence that god is superstition and Judaism, Christianity, and Islam might just be for shits and giggles.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008


I barely sleep lately, maybe 3-4 hours a night.

I barely eat too. I lost a good amount of weight from living off taco bell remnants and top ramen.

From my lack of vehicle I've come acquainted with the art of walking, I'll walk for miles some days. Sometimes with nowhere to go. It helps me think, a lot. It does get cold sometimes, but you get used to it.

Each day blurs to the next, and I just laugh at the waves as they crash on me.

But there is one person that makes it worth it....

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


So I watched the sun come up today.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

So It's official...

I'm officially kicked out of Beaches....

Maybe she was right....

Maybe it wasn't my band anymore and maybe they just needed a new bass player


oh the tangled webs we weave, catch our neighbors in, and devour them

Well gotta stay up stay positive. I do have Mike Love's new band now and they're getting pretty big shows already. Plus sad to say but Beaches kinda fell off anyways. Most people think we broke up.

Like TI said all that won't kill me will make me stronger make me tougher lolll

So Molly and I partied at Mike and Paul's last night. I think Dana and Mike finally hooked up =) I'm happy for them. Mike's a good guy and he deserves better than what he's had already. I'm becoming pretty good friends with that whole group.

Too bad Sarah Shank was there last night, that was unexpected...... and I think she fooled around with Paul. Um wow. I thought she was with Kyle still but I guess I shouldn't expect any better hahaha.

Molly and I talked for hours as she watched me slip into a drunken stupor. Then we fell asleep holding each other. She's like my new best friend and I couldn't be happier. I told her our relationship is dependent on how well the sharks do this season lolll. She says she knows they're taking the Stanley cup. She's like MAJOR sharks fan and Mike and Paul love it hahaha

Saturday, November 29, 2008

open window

I didn't see this coming. I haven't felt this way in ages. I've only known her a little bit but she already gives me that tingly feeling that makes me choke on my words.

I feel like that sweaty palmed freshmen that has a crack in his voice lol.

Part of me welcomes that fuzzy, disassociating, comfort and warmth. Yet another part doesn't want to shed this hardened shell that took to long to callus. I felt stronger, mentally and emotionally.

But this, this opens my armor and exposes my core, leaving me vulnerable.

Is it worth it to build an empire only to watch it topple down and crumble in the wake of war? Or is it better to stand in the ruin of forgotten empires to learn from its past and not reconstruct again?

Monday, November 24, 2008

black skies

last night was pretty funn

Over 500 kids showed up to modesto virtual for the pierce the veil show, although the circulation to my legs were in jeapordy due to the tirades of scene girls overflowing eachother trying to get to the stage. We were assigned to be the human barricade. All four of us XD

I do like working security there though. Its a nice venue with virtual reality games and brutal/happy shows.

I've noticed something...

Love is not eternal. Nor is it everlasting. Its not made of stone, its more like fire. Feeding off oxygen while turning whatever its burning into ashes so it can drift and dissipate into the sky.

Love can disintegrate. Life itself is composed of specific moments of perfection. Like an unbalanced molecule thats cannot sustain for more than seconds and collapse. True love is also this abstract and unstable, complicated yet simple.

Emotion corrupts logic, yet it begets hope. Logic trumps emotion, yet gives life to cynicism.

the left and right sides of my brain need to have a meeting.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


was very eventful

you could call it closure

and I got to work security at the faceless, abigal williams, and neuraxis show


Tuesday, November 18, 2008


After the recent events that I've experienced, lasting through a good amount of confusion and pain in the beginning, I believe I've learned a lot. I felt lost at first. I felt the sheer concept of moving on seemed more unattainable by the day. At the same time I felt betrayed and wanted to move on in any direction. Regaining independence would take some thinking. I became acquainted with the idea of loss. This realization came one day at a time. I came to terms with who I could actually trust. I noticed that most people, including me, will take aspects of their life for granted.

A lot of times people seem to be ultimately concerned with themselves and what they can attain. Any sense of empathy is only defined by how other peoples actions effect themselves. We develop acquaintances and friendships through experience, and lose them just the same.

Best Friends become strangers, true love can shatter and dissipate into nothing. People cut the strings of attachment as often as they cut hair.

I began to realize I had drifted and betrayed and back stabbed as well without even thinking twice sometimes.

I began to become acquainted with integrity of character. I realized that consequence follows everything. The people you decide to take into consideration or that you neglect to when making selfish decisions can end up being your best friends.

People have worth. Varying levels of worth.

You dictate your own with the decisions you make. You define the meaning of life as it pertains to you and the depth of the relationships you build

This is my life

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Tracy, CA, United States
My thoughts are poured onto these pages